07/22/2016, “Make America Gay Again” Theme Show

Frank: Keely
Janet: Nicole
Brad: Kelsey
Riff: James
Magenta: Becki
Columbia: Nako
Rocky: Grant
Eddie/ Dr. Scott: Eri
Criminologist: Alicia
Trixies: Nikki & Reese


We had quite a good number of virgins in the audience, and did they ever fucking suck in the beginning. Still, they were good sports and the four of them went onstage for the pre-show, where we discovered there were a few birthdays in the lineup! After a lovely gift of 69 spankings, they got down to the game of the night—name your favorite Avenger, then do your best impression of them dying that little death.

Of course the first “Avenger” named was Batman—Batwank never ends. After some cajoling the virgin switched her answer to Iron Man, because she’s a terrible person. The other three named Black Widow, Captain ‘Murica and the Hulk. This went magical places. Black Widow let out a noise that sounded like a duck getting strangled, the Hulk SMASHED, the Captain let out a good old AMERICAN ORGASM, and, in a move that would impress even today’s Marvel writers, Iron Man went gay for Jarvis.


Before the show, Donald Trump and his family absconded with Riff Raff, Magenta and Janet’s roles! As you can probably guess with Riff and Magenta’s incestuous “undertone,” Ivanka took Magenta’s place while Melania made do plagiarizing poor Janet.

Up next was our favorite neckless nerd, played that night by Alicia. This is where the secondary theme of our show cropped up. July saw the release of Pokemon Go, and of course the narrator just had to show us her Pokemon cards. Bastard even had a holographic Charizard. No-neck eventually let us get on with the fun, and Brad got it in the eye during the walk through the thunderstorm. Kudos to you, most excellent watergunner.

The audience was coaxed off their asses for the Time Warp, and we found out why Trump’s infiltrated the show at this point—he wanted to use the Time Warp to go back and end the Civil Rights Movement before it even began!


Shortly after that idiocy, Frank made her appearance on stage in a fuckawesome American flag bikini. She quickly got Brad and Janet stripped down to their skivvies and goddamn if Janet wasn’t in a second one! Patriotic boobs are always welcome, and are always more likely to be at attention. Still, we’re not just here boobs, we’re also here to witness the secrets to life!


Meanwhile Trump passes out attempting to work the oscillator because, ya know, physical labor, but as soon as he realizes he’s working on a damn Aryan Ubermensch he gets right back to it.

All of this is quickly interrupted though, as Eddie makes an appearance, and it’s positively groovy. Eddie’s rocking The King’s outfit, dropping an Elvis reference on people young enough not to have ever heard an Elvis song before and now I’ve made myself sad thanks a lot Eri. Still, the King only escaped the heart attack long enough to get taken down by Frank is an a stylish Evel Knievel outfit.


Up next were the Red Room/Blue Room scenes—or Valor and Mystic rooms, as they were known that night. Yes, our cast is divided into the teams. Half Master Team Mystic, about half scrublord team Valor and the remainder wearing helmets for Instinct, in case you’re wondering.

This writer is completely impartial.

When Brad was visited by Frank he got a mouth full of squeezable cheese-food product, and Trump decided to finger the shit out of Rocky. It’s OK though, Janet shows up to care for him, and some absolutely remarkable humping takes place. I mean really, we’re talking floor to tabletop, bouncing Janet into the air humping. If that didn’t help Rocky, the bell tassels on Janet’s boobs probably distracted him well enough anyway.

One chase scene involving Frank cosplaying as a Blastoise later we’re introduced to Dr. Scott —who’s been replaced by Bernie Sanders! At the dinner table, we get two last Pokemon jokes in as Eddie’s teddy is replaced by a plush Pikachu. In the lab, we find out not only that Frank’s ear is the only virgin orifice on his body, but that he’s got a coat with every Pokemon badge out there!


While Frank’s switched into Your Miss July 4th’s radiant dress, and Bernie reveals some lovely legs for an old man with “Feel the Bern” in red white and blue on them, Trump makes one final appearance! We see the only logical conclusion to a Trump victory as he uses pseudo-science to kill all the fags.

But worry not, dear readers. For as Trump and his daughter leave our earth to visit that land of that dark refrain, we see the wall crumble around our heroes/asshole/slut! Trump may have raged at the fall of his wall, but we can have a happy ending as soon as he’s gone! Nah, just fucking with you, we’re screwed. Have a great day!

(Show Report written by Javier, Photos by Will)

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