Dr. Scott: Grant
Criminologist: Sasha & Nikki
Trixies: Shay & Javier
“I’m thinking maybe a ‘name-out-of-a-hat’ show.”
-R.I.P Krista, ADD Stage manager
Sometimes, scheduling doesn’t work out. When that happens, we here at Amber Does Dallas follow a strict protocol.
- “Fuck it, trainwreck show?”
It was our dedication to these rigid cast laws that led to our premature annual trainwreck show, or as it would come to be known, “the second worst thing to happen in mid-September.” All consenting cast members across stage, tech and management pooled their names into one of our many unsurprisingly available fedoras, drawn in order of character importance, and then that cast list you see up there happened. One rehearsal. One Show. Two men enter, one man leaves.
Luckily, our amazing audience was super into it. Our eager virgins really put their all into a game of “Sexy Kitten”, which involves them crawling towards cast members as if they are a Sexual Feline (New band name, do not steal.) It’s a little Zoolander, a little RuPaul’s Drag Race, fun for the whole family.
Right off the bat, our Trixies for the evening are being played by our sexy techies Javier and Shay, and since they are both dudes, I am hereby dubbing them “Dixies” and yes, I am very proud of that thank you very much. Dressed like the love children of Fabio, Antonio Banderas and Tuxedo Mask, they swayed and awkwardly flirted their way through “Science Fiction/Double Feature,” getting every girl in the front row pregnant. Also, Commissar Callback is here again! He gets the movie started off with some classic lines, “Three motorcycles! Ah-ah-ah!” “How do you say “Jell-o’ in Spanish?” “Show us Gene Wilder!” We love you, Commissar Callback!
Time Warp means I actually gotta get off my ass and go be Magenta (Me), so I only caught a little audience reaction while trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing with my hands (The answer was “Riff”) Once again, our audience gave it their best and holy crap even JUMPED when the song told them to! Maybe we should suck more, this trainwreck show is going ridiculously well. Our Columbia (Keely) dazzled in a pro-tier costume and adorable tap dance, Riff (Eri) looked miffed, and I Jiggle-Billy’d a hoedown because it is the only dance move I know.
And then Frank (James) happened. We lucked out in that we drew our resident cosplay expert to play the coveted role of “guy with bad hair who wears grandma pearls and gets shot (spoilers)” and the audience freeeeaakkkkked. I dunno whose ass he pulled those costume pieces out of in a damn week, but that’s one dedicated butthole. Too bad the fucker can’t run in heels, but I guess some of us are too good to learn how to outrun a cop after a long night. Brad blew us all away by switching with Eddie (Becki) and pulling of a FUCKING STRAIGHT-ASS 90 DEGREE ANGLE LIFT with Columbia during Hot Patootie. It was majestic and horrifying, like witnessing your own birth.
Frank left the splash zone and did his bedroom scenes with Brad and Janet up on the more squeamish audience members while Riff got a candelabra up Rocky(Amanda)’s asshole like Jeff Dunham’s hand up a shitty puppet, but somehow less homophobic. I got pretty distracted during “Touch-A” ’cause Columbia brought whipped cream and I spent the majority of that scene licking it off of various things and people (Sorry Keely) (….Call me)
Our reluctant Dr. Scott (Grant) stole the rest of the show by making it obvious that goddammit of all the fucking characters in this stupid movie he got saddled with cunting Dr. Everett Scott and we were ruining his ONE shining moment by singing over him in Eddie’s Teddy. “SHUT UP THIS IS MY SONG, STOP”
Finale: Floor show happens and is surprisingly coherent, Frank crawls all up on the audience, Riff and I fuck Frank’s shit up, and good times are had by all. We had fun, the audience had fun, it was less of a trainwreck and more of a fender bender, and your step-mom takes you out for ice cream after, and years later you’re in your early 30’s, groggily looking up dirty step-mom videos, misty-eyed, wondering where and when it all went wrong. In the back of your mind, you’ll know it was the Amber Does Dallas Rocky Horrible Trainwreck Show of 2016.
(Show Report written by Kimmy, Photos by Will)